Episode 642: Plays Well with Others (Classic Podcast) / 第642集：和別人玩得好

第642集：和別人玩得好

https://content.blubrry.com/bni/642-BNI-Podcast.mp3

如果你要想在人際交往上取得成功，你需要和別人玩得好。就像你小時候不能總是選擇誰來操場玩一樣，你不一定能選擇誰是BNI的同伴，你也不一定能決定誰是你的BNI成員。你不一定要喜歡BNI裡的每一個人。幾乎每個分會都有一個 "混蛋"，但這不是離開的理由。不要讓別人控制你的成功。

寬容是一個使用率很高的詞，也是一個使用率不高的做法。以下是你和你認為是個混蛋的人說話時要考慮的5件事。 (我們將他或她簡稱為 "J")

1. 聽而不爭。
2. 提出問題，會給你更多的啟示。
3. 對他們的觀點表現出興趣。你不一定要同意才能表現出興趣。
4. 如果可以，讓他們集中精力去解決。問題很容易解決。需要真正的智慧來確定現實的解決方案。
5. 清晰、公開、坦誠的溝通是處理 "J "的最佳方式。

以下是當你的群裡有 "J "時要注意的6點：

1. 通過專注於解決方案，使自己對小組變得無價。
2. 遠離分會戲劇，超越現狀。
3. 不要抱怨，要積極向上。
4. 要注意自己的情緒
5. 利用你的支持團隊。
6. 要做一個領導者，而不是離開

功能失調的人確實具有挑戰性。 Misner博士建議閱讀Lisa Earle McLeod撰寫的《The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly Simple Secret to Resolving Conflicts Large and Small》。 Lisa解釋了與瘋狂的人打交道而又不讓他們變得瘋狂的秘密。

不要因為別人是個 "J"，就一走了之。這是你的群體，也是你的成功。

由YouTube上的成功聯網頻道為您帶來。

第526集完整記錄

Priscilla:

大家好，歡迎回到官方BNI播客，由YouTube上的Networking for Success頻道為大家帶來的官方BNI播客，裡面有Dr. Ivan Misner和許多其他網絡專家。我是Priscilla Rice，我來自加州伯克利市的Live Oak錄音室。我今天在電話中加入了BNI的創始人和首席願景官，Dr. Ivan Misner。 Ivan，你好嗎？

Ivan:

Priscilla，我很好，今天我有一個主題將佔用我的所有時間，因此，如果可以的話，我將直接加入。 我最近在和一位非常好的執行董事交談，他說他有一位成員離開，這是她說的話：「因為我們這分會中有一個成員是一個混蛋。」 這就是為什麼她離開了分會。

這就是我今天要談的主要信息。 不要讓其他人控制您的成功。 網絡是一場馬拉松。 它不是衝刺， 而是一場漫長的比賽。 Priscilla，我不知道您是否記得在北美的小學時-我有很多來自世界各地的聽眾。 我很想聽聽其他國家的小學是否有同樣的事情。

在北美的小學裡，我們的成績單上會有一個東西，他們會根據你的能力給你打分，看你是否能和別人玩得好。你還記得嗎？





Priscilla:
是的，肯定的。





Ivan:
我在這上面的成績並不總是很好，順便說一下。那是花了很多功夫的。

因此，即使在成年期，您與他人融洽相處的能力也同樣適用。
你不能總是選擇誰來游樂場，也不能總是選擇誰是你的BNI成員，你不一定有發言權。你不一定非得和每個人都是朋友。你甚至不一定要喜歡每一個人。事實上，不同的性格會增加不同的視角，甚至可以讓一個團體更有成效。

BNI是你成功的引薦工具。在座的各位聽眾，BNI是你成功的引薦工具。不要讓混混們控制了這一點，這要從你的一些寬容開始。容忍是必須要發揮的， "寬容 "是一個很常用的詞，也是一個不常用的做法。讓我再說一遍。 "寬容 "是一個使用率很高的詞，也是一個使用率不足的做法。今天我想談一談如何把它作為一種實踐。

因此，讓我們談談“混蛋”先生或女士。 我將它們簡稱為“ J”。 不要使用“ Jay”這個名字，而只是使用字母“ J”，以免將它們與我們命名為Jay的出色成員混淆。 好的？ 因此請記住，將注意力放在球上。

我們的群體中都會有J，當然在我們的生活中也會有J，請記住，要把注意力放在球上，盡量不要對這個混蛋，我的意思是說J。以下是一些技巧，可以幫助你在這個過程中，而最後一個我要講的技巧真的很有意思。

首先，當您與J交談時，我將給您五件事考慮。首先，請不要爭論。 這一點很重要，尤其是在我今天要談到的最後一點時。 當您與J交談時，我有五件事要考慮，還有六件事要注意。 然後，我將談論另一件事，那就是聽一聽。

在和J說話的時候，第二件事就是提問不是爭論性的問題，而是能讓你對J的觀點有更多的了解。因此，不爭辯地傾聽並提出問題是第二。


第三，對他們的觀點表現出興趣。你不一定要同意表示出興趣。相信我這一點。我已經做了很多次了。你不一定要同意他們的觀點才會有興趣。 "告訴我更多。" "解釋一下。" "我不明白。" 只要讓他們說話就好了。

第四，如果可以，讓他們專注於一個解決方案。如果我們做的都是專注於問題，就會成為問題專家。對他們說：「我明白了。我看到了問題的所在。真正的問題是什麼？問題是很容易理解的。需要真正的智慧才能找到解決方案。」我曾經對J說過這樣的話。問題是很容易解決的。要想找到解決問題的辦法，需要真正的智慧，那麼什麼是現實的解決辦法呢？

如果他們給你一個糟糕的解決方案，說：「好吧。這是一種可能性。另一個現實的解決方案是什麼？」輔導他們靜下心來。

第五。清晰、公開、坦誠、直接的溝通是處理J的最好方法，或者是處理可能要處理J的分會領導層的最好方法。 "我每一次與人發生的挑戰，Priscilla--我每次生活，當一方或另一方保持溝通時。這並不意味著要減輕負擔。嘗試與他們交談，並以專業的方式與他們交談。

所以這五點是和J說話的時候要考慮的，下面是六點要注意的事。好嗎？我告訴你，這個播客中有很多內容。


一，通過專注於解決方案，讓自己成為群體的無價之寶。所以就在平時，讓自己成為無價之寶。不要因為某人是個混蛋而離開。通過專注於解決方案，讓自己對團體有價值。

二，遠離分會戲劇，超越對手。 您可以通過檢查自己的情緒並專注於結果來做到這一點。 您可能在這裡看起來像一個主題。 注重結果。 專注於解決方案。

三，不要抱怨。 要樂觀。 抱怨不是奧林匹克運動，儘管我知道我會授予金牌的人。

四，注意自己的情緒。 不要讓別人限制您的成功。 我再重複一遍。 不要讓別人限制您的成功。

五，利用你的支持團隊。和別人一起討論解決方案。不僅僅是問題，而是解決方案

六，做一個領導者，而不是離開者。我不確定 "離開 "是否是一個真正的詞，Priscilla，所以我在你的字典上查了一下。

Priscilla:
是嗎?




Ivan:
我去你的詞典網查了一下。 Leaver是一個詞。它的意思是離開的人。要做一個領導者，而不是離開的人。別讓J的瘋狂把你趕出一個分會。

所以，這是我的最後一點，我認為這是一個非常有價值的觀點。這又回到了不爭論就能傾聽的想法，也就是我說的第一點，在和J說話的時候，功能失調的人真的很有挑戰性。我明白了。我給大家推荐一本書。這本書，就是Lisa Earle McLeod的《The Triangle of Truth》。我以後會引用她的很多材料。 「我發現實際上使我們自己面對瘋狂的並不是其他人的功能障礙。 這是他們自己對功能障礙的否認。」


當我第一次看到這句話的時候，我就想，天哪，真是太真實了。她接著說，「你知道他們是怎麼繼續裝出一副正常的，自以為是的樣子，好像是我們 才是有問題的人，不是他們。」 那麼您如何處理他們？

她推薦了一個很好的概念，她稱它為 《The Triangle of Truth》。 《The Triangle of Truth》關係使你能同時在腦海中持有看似相互競爭的想法。這也是與瘋子打交道的秘訣。她說：「你要承認他們的功能障礙，同時為他們的更好的品質留有空間，即使你不知道那些更好的品質可能是什麼。」

根據Lisa的說法是這樣的：在三角形的一邊，你有你的一方的真理，也就是這個人是個瘋子，無可救藥的缺陷，他們走到哪裡都會造成破壞。在三角形的另一邊，你有一個普遍的真理，那就是每個人都有優點和價值。在我們每個人的內心深處都有一個 "fabulousness"--那是她的世界，而不是我的世界--在我們每個人的內心深處，即使是那些極力掩飾自己的人。我很喜歡這句話。即使是做得很好掩飾自己的人，也是如此。「在別人身上看到這種二元性的能力，代表著一種巨大的心理轉變，它能使世界上所有的不同。」 她接著說，如果你能在心理上運用"Triangle of Truth"，那麼下一次當你的心靈在大喊「他瘋了! 他瘋了!」您將體驗到自以為是的放縱，他們可以驗證自己的負面評估，同時也可以佔據優勢。

更重要的是，我將在此詢問您對此的看法，Priscilla，在我看來更重要的是，不要賦予他人控制您成功的權力。 因為某人是一個混蛋因而離開了網絡，這使他們擁有對您的控制權，他們可以自由支配他人。

你覺得呢, Priscilla?





Priscilla:
這都是有道理的。只是很難做到，你知道的。






Ivan:
是啊，生活是艱難的，你不知道會發生什麼。你看，這真的要追溯到幼兒園或小學。你和別人玩得怎麼樣，甚至和那些難纏的孩子們一起玩得好嗎？

在我看來，這甚至比這更進一步，因為“J ”不能很好地與人合作，所以。我們明白了。所以，你要讓“J ”控制你的生活嗎？

BNI是成功的了不起的工具，也是了不起的工具， 難以置信。 我已經看到太多的人創造瞭如此多的業務，有人說：「我離開是因為某人是個混蛋。」這完全賦予了他們權力，並讓該組中的每個人都在他們的擺佈之下，因為您要逃跑了

隨著時間的推移，我發現的一件事是，如果您團隊裡擁有一個J，並且您超越了J並專業地處理這種情況， 分會將看到它。 將採取行動。 如果沒有人看到，那您可能就是J。

只是說一下，如果沒有人看到，而且時間長了，你可能要評估一下自己是不是J了。只是說一下。不是說你，Priscilla





Priscilla:
嗯，Ivan，我覺得稍微要看這個人是否有人格障礙，如果有的話，要讓他永久的改變，你可能會有一點點的麻煩。




Ivan:
當然，你看，很多人都有不同程度的人格障礙。這就是你需要與分會合作的地方。這些年來，我曾與許多分會合作過，他們的小組裡有J，他們基本上都會說：「我們的道德準則之一就是建立積極的、專業的人際關係，與其他成員建立積極的、專業的關係。我們沒有看到，那麼我們如何幫助您呢？」他們會為您提供不可接受的答案，那就是時候該說：「您知道，如果您下台就可以。 這可能不適合您。」 扶他們起來，或者說是幫助他們。


這就是你作為會員–「退出並不能解決問題」。它可能暫時解決了你的問題，但隨後又會產生另一個問題。你失去了產生大量業務的機會。

所以，如果你有一個問題會員，一個老實說問題真的很大的會員，而且他們不願意在沙坑裡玩，那就是你需要讓分會參與進來的時候。在我的播客中，我已經談到了很多關於讓會員委員會參與的問題。


但在此同時，在你讓會員委員會參與進來之前，這裡有一些想法，希望能幫助你重新構建這個問題，因為我看到很多人只是通過與人打交道，就會感到非常沮喪或惱火。有時候，人與人之間的關係就是不融洽。我想說的是，大多數情況下，我想說的只是一個不容易相處的人。而不是人格功能失調的人。





Priscilla:
對!對!




Ivan:
希望對你有幫助。以下是一些需要考慮的事情。不要一走了之，這是你的團體，這就是你的成功。我的桌子上有一個杯墊，上面寫著 "成功是最好的報復"，因為我曾與那些人打過交道。曾與那些騙我、對我做過可怕事情的人打過交道，我認識到處理這一切的最好方法就是成功。離開一個產生推薦人的機會，是在向自己的腳下開砲。不要因為別人是個J而離開。


這就是我的信息。我很想聽聽你們的想法。在這裡發佈東西在我的播客上。謝謝，Priscilla





Priscilla:
不客氣，謝謝你，Dr. Misner 謝謝你，Dr. Misner。我認為這是一些很好的建議。好了，非常感謝大家的收聽。我想提醒聽眾們，本播客是由YouTube上的Networking for Success頻道帶來的。非常感謝大家的收聽。我是Priscilla Rice，我們期待著您下週再次加入我們的播客頻道，為您帶來另一個精彩的播客節目。

Episode 642: Plays Well with Others (Classic Podcast)

https://content.blubrry.com/bni/642-BNI-Podcast.mp3

If you’re going to succeed at networking, you need to play well with others. Just as you couldn’t always choose who came to the playground when you were a child, you don’t always get a say in who your fellow BNI members are. You don’t have to like everybody in BNI. Almost every chapter contains a “jerk,” but that’s not a reason to leave. Don’t let other people control your success.

Tolerance is a highly-used word and an under-used practice. Here are 5 things to consider when you’re talking to someone you think is a jerk. (We’ll call him or her “J” for short.)

1. Listen without arguing.
2. Ask questions that will give you more insight.
3. Show interest in their point of view. You don’t have to agree in order to show interest.
4. If you can, get them to focus on solutions. Problems are easy. It takes real smarts to identify realistic solutions.
5. Clear, open, and honest communication is the best way to deal with “J.”

Here are 6 things to be aware of when there’s a “J” in your group:

1. Make yourself invaluable to the group by focusing on solutions.
2. Stay clear of chapter drama and rise above the situation.
3. Don’t complain; be positive.
4. Stay aware of your emotions.
5. Use your support team.
6. Be a leader, not a leaver.

Dysfunctional people are really challenging. Dr. Misner recommends reading The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly Simple Secret to Resolving Conflicts Large and Small by Lisa Earle McLeod. Lisa explains the secret to dealing with crazy people without letting them make you crazy.

Don’t just walk away because somebody else is a “J”. This is your group and your success.

Brought to you by the Networking for Success Channel on YouTube.

Complete Transcript of Episode 526

Priscilla:
Hello everybody and welcome back to the Official BNI Podcast, brought to you by the Networking for Success Channel on YouTube, which features Dr. Ivan Miser and many other networking experts. I am Priscilla Rice, and I am coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkeley, California. I am joined on the phone today by the Founder and the Chief Visionary Officer of BNI, Dr. Ivan Misner. Hello, Ivan, how are you?

Ivan:
I am doing fantastic, Priscilla, and I have a topic today that will take every bit of my time, so I am just going to jump right in if that is okay. I was talking to a really good Executive Director recently and he said he had a member who left because – and these were her exact words, Priscilla – “because there is a member in our chapter that is a jerk.” That is why she left the chapter.

So that is what I want to talk about today. Here is the primary message. Don’t let other people control your success. Networking is a marathon. It is not a sprint. It’s a long game. I don’t know if you remember, Priscilla, in elementary school in North America- I have a lot of listeners from around the world. I would love to hear if other countries had the same kind of thing in their elementary school.

In elementary school in North America, we would get a thing in our report card where they would grade you on your ability to play well with others. Do you remember that?

Priscilla:
Yes, definitely.

Ivan:
I didn’t always get a good grade on that, by the way. It took a lot of work.

So your ability to play well with others applies even in adulthood. You can’t always choose who comes to the playground and you don’t always get a say in who your fellow BNI members are. You don’t have to be friends with everybody. You don’t even have to like everybody. As a matter of fact, different personalities add different perspective, and that could even make a group more productive.

BNI is a referral tool for your success. For those of you who are listening, BNI is a referral tool for your success. Don’t let jerks control that. That begins with some tolerance on your part. Tolerance has to come into play. “Tolerance” is a highly-used word and an under-used practice. Let me repeat that. “Tolerance” is a highly-used word and an under-used practice. I want to talk today about how to use it as a practice.

So let’s talk about Mr. or Ms. “Jerk”. I am going to call them “J” for short. Not the name “Jay”, just the letter “J” so as to not confuse them with the amazing members we have named Jay. Okay? So remember, keep your eye on the ball.

We all have J’s in our groups and certainly in our lives. Remember, keep your eye on the ball and try not to be so sensitive about the jerk, I mean, J. Here are some techniques that will help you with this process and the last one that I am going to talk about is really interesting.

First, I am going to give you five things to consider when you are talking with J. First, listen without arguing. This is important, especially when it comes to the last point that I am going to talk about today. I have five things to consider when you are talking to J and six other things to be aware of. Then I am going to talk about one other thing that comes back in full circle to listening.

The second thing when you are talking to J is ask questions, not argumentative questions but questions that will give you more insight into J’s point. So listen without arguing and ask questions is number two.

Number three, show interest in their point of view. You don’t have to agree to show interest. Trust me on this. I have done it a lot. You don’t have to agree with them to show interest. “Tell me more.” “Explain that.” “I don’t understand.” Just get them to talk.

Number four, if you can, get them to focus on a solution. If all we do is focus on the problem, we become an expert on the problem. Say to them, “I get it. I see the issue. The real question is what is a realistic solution? Problems are easy to understand. It takes real smarts to find solutions.” I have said that to people. I have said that to J before. Problems are easy. It takes real smarts to find a solution, so what is a realistic solution?

If they give you a lousy solution, say, “Okay. That is one possibility. What is another realistic solution?” Coach them into calmness.

Number five. Clear, open, honest and direct communication is the best way to deal with J or to deal with the chapter leadership that may have to be dealing with J. Every single time I have had big challenges with people, Priscilla – every single time in my life – was when one side or the other has held back in communication. That doesn’t mean unload on people. It means talk to them and talk to them professionally.

So those are five things to consider when talking to J. Here are six things to be aware of in general. Okay? I told you this is a lot of stuff in this podcast.

One, make yourself invaluable to the group by focusing on solutions. So just in general, make yourself invaluable. Don’t leave because someone is a jerk. Make yourself invaluable to the group by focusing on solutions.

Two, stay clear of chapter drama and rise above the fray. You can do this by checking your emotions and focusing on results. You may seem a theme here. Focus on results. Focus on solutions.

Three, don’t complain. Be positive. Complaining is not an Olympic sport, although I know people whom I would give gold medals to.

Number four, stay aware of your emotions. Don’t let others limit your success. I will repeat that. Don’t let others limit your success.

Five, use your support team. Talk to others about the solution. Not just the problem but the solution.

Number six, be a leader not a leaver. I wasn’t sure if “leaver” was a real word, Priscilla, so I checked it on your dictionary.com.

Priscilla:
Is it?

Ivan:
I went to your dictionary.com. Leaver is a word. It means someone who leaves. Be a leader not a leaver. Don’t let J’s craziness drive you out of a chapter.

So here is my last point and I think it is a really valuable one. It goes back to the idea of listening without arguing, the very first point that I talked about in terms of talking to J. Dysfunctional people are really challenging. I get it. I am going to recommend a book. The book, The Triangle of Truth by Lisa Earle McLeod. I am going to quote a lot of her material later. “I discovered that what actually puts us over the edge toward craziness ourselves is not other people’s dysfunction. It’s their denial of their dysfunction.”

When I first saw that, I was like, oh my goodness, that is so true. She goes on to say, “You know how they go on acting all normal and self righteous as if we are the ones who are loopy, not them.” She asks, so how do you deal with them?

She recommends, I think, a great concept. She calls it the Triangle of Truth. “The Triangle of Truth enables you to hold seemingly competing ideas in your mind at the same time. And it is the secret to dealing with crazy people.” The secret to dealing with J. I added that. She says, “You get to acknowledge their dysfunction and hold a space for their better qualities at the same time, even if you have no idea what those better qualities may be.”

Here’s how it works according to Lisa: on one side of the triangle, you have your side of the truth, which is this person’s nuts, hopelessly flawed and they wreak havoc everywhere they go. On the other side of the triangle, you have a universal truth which is every person has merit and value. There is an inner “fabulousness” – that’s her world not mine—inside each of us, even the people who do a great job of covering theirs up. I loved that. Even people who do a great job of covering theirs up. “The ability to see this duality in other people represents a monumental mental shift that makes all the difference in the world.” She goes on to say that if you can mentally employ the Triangle of Truth model, the next time your mind is screaming, ‘He’s crazy! He’s crazy!’ you will get to experience the self-righteous indulgence of validating your own negative assessments and pious superiority of taking the high road at the same time.”

More importantly – and I am going to ask you your opinion on this, Priscilla, here in a second – More importantly, in my opinion, don’t give power to others to control your success. Leaving a network because someone is a jerk gives them power over you and them free reign to do it to others.

What do you think, Priscilla?

Priscilla:
It all makes sense. It’s just very hard to do, you know.

Ivan:
Yeah. Life is hard and you know what happens. Look, it really goes back to kindergarten or elementary school. How well do you play with others, even with the difficult kids?

To me, it is even a step beyond that because J can’t play well with others. We get it. So are you going to let J control your life?

BNI is an amazing tool for success, an amazing tool. Incredible. I have seen so many people generate so much business and to have someone say, “I am leaving because someone is a jerk,” completely empowers them and throws everyone in that group at the mercy of them because you are bailing.

One of the things that I have discovered over time is if you have a J and you rise above that and deal with the situation professionally, the chapter almost always – the better nature of the chapter will prevail. The chapter will see it. The chapter will act. And if nobody sees it, you might be J.

Just for the record, if nobody sees it and it has gone on for a long time, you might want to assess whether you are J or not. Just saying. Not you, Priscilla, but in general.

Priscilla:
Well, Ivan, I think it slightly depends on whether this person has a personality disorder, and if they do, you may have a little bit of trouble making permanent change.

Ivan:
Sure. Look, a lot of people have various levels of personality disorders. That is where you need to be working with the chapter. I have worked with many chapters over the years where they had J in their group and they basically said, “One of our code of ethics is to build positive and professional relationships, to build a positive and professional relationship with the other members. We are not seeing that, so how can we help you do that?” They will give you answers that are not acceptable, and that is when it is time to say, “You know, it’s okay if you step down. This may not be a good fit for you.” Help them up or help them out.

That is where you as a member – quitting doesn’t solve the problem. It may solve it for you for now, but then it creates another problem. You lose the opportunity to generate a lot of business.

So if you have a dysfunctional member, an honest to goodness really dysfunctional member, and they are not willing to play in the sandbox, then that is when you need to get the chapter involved. I have talked about that a lot in my podcasts about getting membership committees involved.

But in the meantime, before you get membership committees involved, here are some ideas that will hopefully help you reframe the issue because I see a lot of people who just get really frustrated or annoyed just by dealing with – you are looking at the exception, the really, really truly dysfunctional person. Sometimes people just don’t get along. What I am trying to talk about for the most part is just someone who is not easy to get along with. Not the clinically dysfunctional person.

Priscilla:
Right. Right.

Ivan:
I hope that helps. Here are just some things to think about. Don’t just walk away. This is your group. This is your success. I have a coaster on my desk that says, “Success is the best revenge.” I love that coaster because I have dealt with it. I have dealt with people who have lied to me, cheated me, who have done horrible things to me, and I recognize that the best way to deal with all of that is to be successful. Walking away from an opportunity to generate referrals is shooting yourself in the foot. Don’t leave because somebody else is a J.

That is my message. I would love to hear what you guys think. Post something here on my podcast. Thanks, Priscilla.

Priscilla:
You’re welcome. Thank you, Dr. Misner. I think that is some great advice. Well, thank you so much for listening. I would just like to remind the listeners that this podcast has been brought to you by the Networking for Success Channel on YouTube. Thank you so much for listening. This is Priscilla Rice and we look forward to having you join us again next week for another exciting episode of the Official BNI Podcast.

https://www.bnipodcast.com/2020/01/22/plays-well-with-others-rebroadcast/